Podcast Episode 7: Turn Off The Tape

Elliott begins the podcast by telling a story about a few years ago he was invited to moderate a panel comprised of a number of Orthodox singles, who talked about what it was like being single and trying to remain observant Jews. Elliott asked them about how they had navigated Judaism’s sexual restrictions and whether they had spoken to rabbis about this and what they had been told. No one felt comfortable answering that question unless he turned off the tape that had recorded the session. 

Elliott then goes on to talk about the fact that ancient Jewish sexual ethics are a bad fit for contemporary Jewish life. Contemporary adults are dating longer; having sexual relationships at a younger age, and marrying later, than did people of previous generations. How does a traditional Jew work this out, especially the problem of sexuality in the face of later marriage? If the answer is avoid sex and marry young, there is the problem of whether the individuals are emotionally and financially ready for that commitment. But if we say “no, wait a few years until you are ready,” how does that reconcile with burgeoning sexual pressure, especially in the wake of the halacha’s prohibitions on pre-marital sexual expression? Should we allow single women to use the mikveh?

Elliott wonders about the metaphor of "turning off the tape," and what that tells us about the honesty of current Orthodox discourse. If religion is about truth and honesty, then why did the tape have to be turned off? 

Yossi points out that many Biblical texts and ancient laws were not uncomfortable about sexuality - in fact they "did not turn off the tape at all." Yossi asserts that in the Orthodox world, what is uncomfortable is having to ask rabbis for permission regarding sexual matters. 

When Elliott asks why certain matters are "unspeakable," Yossi replies that if they were "speakable," if they in fact became part of regular Jewish discourse, then rabbinic power, which seeks to keep them hidden away would be severely undermined. Rabbis, he goes on to say, make idiosyncratic decisions about whether you are permitted to do an act or not. "not everyone wants to go their rabbi and talk about everything," Yossi concludes.

Yossi intriguingly argues that "there is no power in truth, only in half truth," meaning that if rabbis fully empower the lay person with knowledge, then they will no longer rely on the rabbi to be the arbiter of truth. Elliott asks Yossi what was the conversation about things like masturbation in yeshiva when Yossi was younger. "You were told you would go to a hell and be a sinner forever". These were explicit messages.

Yossi asks Elliott is people want to be open and honest. Elliott argues that most people tend to be protective in public conversation and gravitate towards safety and not honesty.  Elliott says the suppression of discourse is to throw people into confusion and pain. Perhaps not everything needs to be discussed in every public forum, but there has to be a feeling that it could be discussed.

Elliott distinguishes between what he calls a "fear based" vs. a "love based" community. On the dark side of things, is the Orwellian feeling that community members are self-censoring in public, but talk about it privately. So official Judaism cannot talk about it, and the message is that the religion is too fragile to have that conversation.

Yossi adds that although we read openly about sexuality in the Torah on a regular basis, we are far more guarded ironically in our communal conversations. Elliott points out that any "opening up" is risky. So if you open up discourse in a religious community, there would be some instability and shock waves. People would be moved out of their comfort zones. But Elliott feels the price is worth it, and that there should be a movement towards honesty and an openness to all realms of life.

Yossi wonders if there is a backlash, a revolt coming. "Everyone knows, the rabbis are nowhere."

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